It's been a WHOLE year y'all.....

One year ago, I was sitting in a small-ish room, in a building where it is still okay to smoke INSIDE of, with about 5 other families, and we were just waiting. We were all waiting for that second where all of the paperwork we compiled over two years, 25+ hours of airplane and vehicular travel, would all be forgotten in an instant. The instant they handed over to me a little 24 pound, screaming, fear and trembling, 18 month old baby. She was wrapped in 3 layers of clothing in 78 degree weather, sweating, pale, and watched with terror as the only face she knew since she was 3 months old, her Ayi (nanny), handed her over to a big, bearded, bald, Baba. It was that fast. So fast that I was scrambling to get my phone to record this moment. She was finally ours. The little girl promised by God to us. Yes, PROMISED by God to US. She was. Little Fan Fan. I just remember seeing her crying face and not even knowing what to do, but my Mommy instinct did. I just scooped her up and tried with all my might to comfort her. I wanted her to feel safe. I wanted her to smell me. I wanted to smell her. I wanted her to know that we were going to be OKAY! I just barely remember her orphanage director telling me what she ate, and how she slept. I literally just grasped, bottle and nap times. Everything else was Charlie Brown's teacher to me. We made it through China for three weeks, and I will write another blog in 7 days telling about her brother, but for now, I just want you to know what this year has been about for our family.

You know, I had read tons of blogs, read books, searched out Google for anything to help me be a "Great NEW adoptive Mommy." But, everything I read, never prepared me for the first year I had with our sweet Selah. Her special need is a limb difference which will require her to wear a prosthetic leg for the rest of her life. BUT, that in my mind, THAT is what got her out of China. That's it. It by far is/was the easiest thing about her. Even teaching her how to walk, was a piece of cake compared to her ACTUAL special need. Her actual special need is healing. Internal, mental, HEALING. It is THE only thing that presented itself for this first year, and we aren't done. She and I have spent hours, OW-WERR-ZZZZ, laying on the floor, holding her in my lap, restraining her arms and legs so she cannot hurt herself, or try to hurt me. It is THE most heartbreaking thing Todd and I have ever experienced. In the adoption world they just call them "rages." But, it is so much more. I don't want to go into super detail, because I'm sure it will be embarrassing to her one day, and it really breaks my heart.  But, the trauma of her being left and abandoned, not once but, TWICE, was just too much for her sweet brain to comprehend. Her special need is her need to control, everyone, and everything. She has the hardest time just trusting and being, and it presents itself with as much violence as a little 28 pound, 2 year old can muster. But God, y'all. He is with me. HE has been with me, even when no one else was. Through all the mornings I could not do, NOT ONE MORE, breakfast session that lasted 3 hours, He was present. Through all the rages I could not do, NOT ONE MORE, banging of her head on the floor. He calmed the raging storm in me and her when I could not do NOT ONE MORE, face smacking, ear ripping, scratching, afternoon. The only promise I had was His. The promise that HE fulfilled, and I promised to love through the trenches, even when I could not even bring myself to just LIKE the little girl that was placed in my arms on October 13th, 2014. As the months passed, she started to just "be" more and more. Her raging became less frequent, and less intense with each passing week. We started find a groove. We started to connect. She started to show signs of happiness. She began to understand WHO we were. She knew that she had a home. All the things that you never really get to SEE with your own eyes when you have a biological baby. She began to be silly. She began to be KIND. She started to be HILARIOUS. And it was incredible to witness. It's such a mirror image of The Gospel. I mean almost IDENTICAL. How we begin to just BE, and to just TRUST, and to just KNOW, that Our Savior Jesus Christ has us. Safe and secure. Each and every time Selah would rage, and rage, I could see that it was exactly what I did against a Holy God. I fought and fought, until one day, I got it.

Today, my sweet girl still rages, but man have we nailed it down. We can get her through it, sometimes in 15 minutes, sometimes in an hour and 15 minutes. But, I can get her through it. She no longer tries to hurt herself, or me. She has let that part go, thank you Jesus. She no longer bangs her face and head on the floor, thank you Jesus. She no longer holds food in her mouth for hours and hours, thank you Jesus. She no longer sits for three hours refusing to eat, thank you Jesus. She no longer refuses sleep, thank you Jesus. She is becoming a daughter, a sister, a cherished child. THANK YOU JESUS. Many many times, the catchphrase that Todd would tell me every day, because I NEEDED him to tell me was, "Honey, God knew who the perfect Mommy to raise her would be." I blew it a LOT over this past year. A. LOT. But, I think I have repented more than I ever have in the history of ever, and He has been faithful. FAITHFUL. Every single second of this year has been used for my good and His Glory. All of it. He will bring you through anything He calls you to friends. He will. This was never the way I pictured my family would grow. I never thought in a million, bajillion, trillion, infinity years, that I could love with all my heart, soul, and strength, someone who was ONLY important to our Great IAM. But, I do, and she is absolutely, without a doubt, the greatest GIFT wrapped up perfectly in a bow of spitfire and sass. I only wish I had more words to express just how amazing she is. Happy 1 year Family Day my sweet Selah girl. You are cherished, loved, and wanted. I love you more than you will EVER know.