He ran into my arms one year ago...

It's another family day for the Harding team! One year ago, a little boy that we had been matched with for over a year, was sitting in a director's office in Shijiazhuang China. He was playing quietly on the floor, dressed in literally everything he owned. His lamb pajamas, a pair of jeans, a brand new jean jacket, and his shoes. Shoes that were at least two sizes two small, with no laces, and the left one ripped which made it fall off with most every step. I pushed away two giant pieces of plastic that covered the door, and I saw him. The orphanage director stood him up, and in an instant he ran into my arms with a glorious "MAMA!" It was a gotcha day like I was never expecting. It broke me into a million pieces. It still breaks me each time I watch the video. He had waited so so long, until we one day were there.

Writing about my Asa is so so beautiful, that I am crying thinking about it right now. In the adoption world, Todd and I literally hit the JACKPOT with this little guy. How he came to be a Harding is only the work of The Most High, and reflecting upon it brings me to my breaking point, in a thankful, and humble way. Asa's file was never supposed to come to us. We had not checked his special need on our "accepted needs list." But OUR plans NEVER THWART the King of King's. His file was was for a little boy with Cerebral Palsy, and Microcephaly. Todd and I remember mulling this over, and over. Could we handle this? What would his medical care look like? How severe were the needs? These things were real issues to us, and they were scary. That was until I got a clear, and undeniable word in the Scripture that he was in fact OUR SON. Regardless of his needs, God made himself abundantly clear to Todd and I that we were to go get him. So we said yes, knowing that whatever came with him, we could adapt and overcome. I do have to say, our fear fled in the instant we said yes. I mean not one ounce of fear. We just knew.  We had to change our special needs form to show that we would indeed accept a child with his diagnosis. Now, fast forward through the one whole year he has been home....

My Asa Josiah, has been an absolute DREAM since he has been home with us. He is literally a child FILLED with joy. All day, every second. Nothing, and I do mean nothing steals it away. Even when I had thought in my heart of hearts I had stolen it. Several times. We wake up to smiles and squeals of joy, every.single.day. We get "HI MOMMY!!" and "HEY DADDY!!", a boy who hugs and kisses, leaps with joy, snuggles with brothers and sisters. He is so gentle, kind, obedient. He makes everyone who meets him smile. Everyone. I'm not even exaggerating. He is so so smart. He has just seized each and every day he has been with his family. Oh how God knew what we needed. Throughout the two years we waited to get both Asa and Selah, the one verse I clung to and had plastered throughout my house was Psalm 27:13-14 "I BELIEVE that I shall look upon the GOODNESS of The Lord in the land of the living! Wait for The Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for The Lord!" 
And, I wish that I could stress enough that He is so faithful, and so so good! I watched His goodness unfold right before our eyes with Asa.

He has a completely unknown past. We will never know what his birth parents named him. We will never know what day, or what time he was born. We will never know how much he weighed, or how tall he was. We will never know why he was abandoned. We will never know where he was found. Only our Abba Father knows. Only He knows while Asa was being knit together in the womb, what great and mighty things a little boy so full of joy will accomplish for His Name and His Renown! On October 19th, 2014 Asa became a son, a brother, a cherished child, and he was named forever. This not so little 4 year old boy has completely wrecked me on the inside. Asa has shown me the dark side of my sinful heart like nothing else on this earth has. He has brought me to my knees in crying tears, begging for forgiveness for my dark, selfish, soul. And I am GRATEFUL. Do you hear me. Grateful. Nothing has grown me and challenged me more this year as Christ follower, than walking out His Gospel, every single morning as Asa & Selah's Mommy. I feel so privileged that God has allowed me to be the one to experience joy upon joy from this little one. I think to myself what I will tell him one day when he begins to question his most vague past. I don't really get sad about the story anymore, because the true story is that even though it started out not so great, The Great I AM knew him and made a way for him. But in some weird way, I think Asa already gets that. The heart of The Father is already beating in that little one's body. I really just get to stand back and watch it unfold. What a beautiful seat I have!! I pray that one day his birth Momma will know what an incredible treasure he really, truly is! She won't ever know this side of Heaven, but what a party we could have if she knows Jesus Christ!

To close out this little update on our beautiful boy, the cherry on top of the whole thing is our boy has no special needs. He is a perfectly healthy, normal, little guy. He doesn't have anything that his file stated he did, which truly never mattered to us anyhow. When we gave God our yes, it came with no conditions.  Asa's true and only special need, was a family.

It's been a WHOLE year y'all.....

One year ago, I was sitting in a small-ish room, in a building where it is still okay to smoke INSIDE of, with about 5 other families, and we were just waiting. We were all waiting for that second where all of the paperwork we compiled over two years, 25+ hours of airplane and vehicular travel, would all be forgotten in an instant. The instant they handed over to me a little 24 pound, screaming, fear and trembling, 18 month old baby. She was wrapped in 3 layers of clothing in 78 degree weather, sweating, pale, and watched with terror as the only face she knew since she was 3 months old, her Ayi (nanny), handed her over to a big, bearded, bald, Baba. It was that fast. So fast that I was scrambling to get my phone to record this moment. She was finally ours. The little girl promised by God to us. Yes, PROMISED by God to US. She was. Little Fan Fan. I just remember seeing her crying face and not even knowing what to do, but my Mommy instinct did. I just scooped her up and tried with all my might to comfort her. I wanted her to feel safe. I wanted her to smell me. I wanted to smell her. I wanted her to know that we were going to be OKAY! I just barely remember her orphanage director telling me what she ate, and how she slept. I literally just grasped, bottle and nap times. Everything else was Charlie Brown's teacher to me. We made it through China for three weeks, and I will write another blog in 7 days telling about her brother, but for now, I just want you to know what this year has been about for our family.

You know, I had read tons of blogs, read books, searched out Google for anything to help me be a "Great NEW adoptive Mommy." But, everything I read, never prepared me for the first year I had with our sweet Selah. Her special need is a limb difference which will require her to wear a prosthetic leg for the rest of her life. BUT, that in my mind, THAT is what got her out of China. That's it. It by far is/was the easiest thing about her. Even teaching her how to walk, was a piece of cake compared to her ACTUAL special need. Her actual special need is healing. Internal, mental, HEALING. It is THE only thing that presented itself for this first year, and we aren't done. She and I have spent hours, OW-WERR-ZZZZ, laying on the floor, holding her in my lap, restraining her arms and legs so she cannot hurt herself, or try to hurt me. It is THE most heartbreaking thing Todd and I have ever experienced. In the adoption world they just call them "rages." But, it is so much more. I don't want to go into super detail, because I'm sure it will be embarrassing to her one day, and it really breaks my heart.  But, the trauma of her being left and abandoned, not once but, TWICE, was just too much for her sweet brain to comprehend. Her special need is her need to control, everyone, and everything. She has the hardest time just trusting and being, and it presents itself with as much violence as a little 28 pound, 2 year old can muster. But God, y'all. He is with me. HE has been with me, even when no one else was. Through all the mornings I could not do, NOT ONE MORE, breakfast session that lasted 3 hours, He was present. Through all the rages I could not do, NOT ONE MORE, banging of her head on the floor. He calmed the raging storm in me and her when I could not do NOT ONE MORE, face smacking, ear ripping, scratching, afternoon. The only promise I had was His. The promise that HE fulfilled, and I promised to love through the trenches, even when I could not even bring myself to just LIKE the little girl that was placed in my arms on October 13th, 2014. As the months passed, she started to just "be" more and more. Her raging became less frequent, and less intense with each passing week. We started find a groove. We started to connect. She started to show signs of happiness. She began to understand WHO we were. She knew that she had a home. All the things that you never really get to SEE with your own eyes when you have a biological baby. She began to be silly. She began to be KIND. She started to be HILARIOUS. And it was incredible to witness. It's such a mirror image of The Gospel. I mean almost IDENTICAL. How we begin to just BE, and to just TRUST, and to just KNOW, that Our Savior Jesus Christ has us. Safe and secure. Each and every time Selah would rage, and rage, I could see that it was exactly what I did against a Holy God. I fought and fought, until one day, I got it.

Today, my sweet girl still rages, but man have we nailed it down. We can get her through it, sometimes in 15 minutes, sometimes in an hour and 15 minutes. But, I can get her through it. She no longer tries to hurt herself, or me. She has let that part go, thank you Jesus. She no longer bangs her face and head on the floor, thank you Jesus. She no longer holds food in her mouth for hours and hours, thank you Jesus. She no longer sits for three hours refusing to eat, thank you Jesus. She no longer refuses sleep, thank you Jesus. She is becoming a daughter, a sister, a cherished child. THANK YOU JESUS. Many many times, the catchphrase that Todd would tell me every day, because I NEEDED him to tell me was, "Honey, God knew who the perfect Mommy to raise her would be." I blew it a LOT over this past year. A. LOT. But, I think I have repented more than I ever have in the history of ever, and He has been faithful. FAITHFUL. Every single second of this year has been used for my good and His Glory. All of it. He will bring you through anything He calls you to friends. He will. This was never the way I pictured my family would grow. I never thought in a million, bajillion, trillion, infinity years, that I could love with all my heart, soul, and strength, someone who was ONLY important to our Great IAM. But, I do, and she is absolutely, without a doubt, the greatest GIFT wrapped up perfectly in a bow of spitfire and sass. I only wish I had more words to express just how amazing she is. Happy 1 year Family Day my sweet Selah girl. You are cherished, loved, and wanted. I love you more than you will EVER know.

7....

As I opened up my blog to sit down and write, I noticed that it has been almost six months since the last time I was able to blog. Geez. I am in no way a writer, and I barely think anything I have to say is "blog worthy" but, I try to do an occasional sit down whenever I want to remember something significant. This just happens to be one of those times. Today is Good Friday, and I always seem to reflect upon my walk with Jesus on this day. You see, without this weekend, my faith in Christ means absolutely nothing. The Apostle Paul said it the most profoundly in my opinion.

"And if Christ has not been raised, then ALL our preaching is useless, and your FAITH is useless. And we apostles would ALL be lying about God-for we have said that God raised Christ from the grave. But that can't be true if there is no resurrection of the dead. And if there is no resurrection of the dead, then Christ has not been raised, then your FAITH is useless and you are STILL guilty of your sins. In that case, all who have died believing in Christ are LOST! And if our HOPE IN CHRIST is ONLY for THIS LIFE, WE ARE TO BE MORE PITIED THAN ANYONE IN THE WORLD." 1 Corinthians 15:14-19 {NLT}

Paul is telling the Church at Corinth that we are to be the most pitied people on the planet if Christ did not raise from the dead. And that just blows my mind, that a statement like that is in the Bible. Because it is so true. Our Christian Faith is solely based on one single event in history. Jesus not being in that tomb Sunday morning. An event in time that at one time I mocked openly. You see, 7 years ago on Easter Sunday, Jesus called me by name, and pulled me out of the muck and the mire, and set my feet on His path. And 7 years later, it is still the most important relationship in my life. 7 years of walking hand in hand with The Creator of the Universe. The Alpha & The Omega. Who did not woo me to Himself when I had it all together. No. He plucked me out when I was a murderer, an adulterer, a liar, a thief, jealous, broken, and had a dark, cynical, prideful, arrogant, heart. That was ALL me. All of those things, and to top it off, I openly mocked His name. I mocked those who called His name precious. You could not possibly get me to set foot inside of a Church. No way, no how. But, He knew how to get me there, and He knew I needed to hear the Truth. I heard the Gospel that day. And, when I say I heard it, I HEARD IT. It was all of a sudden heard with ears that knew without a shadow of a doubt that what Pastor Rick Barnett was reading Easter Sunday 2008, was true. I don't know why, but I knew that my sin was sin He died bearing for me, so that I might KNOW Him. I have never been the same since. On April 6th 2008, I was baptized in the East China Sea, and when I came up from that water, I. WAS.FREE. Do you hear me? I was free. I can't explain it in any better language than that, and I have sought to know who He is, and what His Word says, ever since. Each time I look back to that day, it humbles me in a way that I can't convey without tears. To know how dirty, and wretched, how broken, I was until He swooped down and rescued me? It's a gratefulness that I can only give back to Him by making MUCH of HIS NAME. It sometimes feels as if it will overflow from my body and spill onto the floor. When I hear His name spoken in reverence, I feel as if I have to bow my head, or bend my knees. SO, you out there who don't know Him. WHAT would cause me to have this significant of a life change, if it WAS NOT for an empty tomb? There is no other answer, other than Jesus Christ. As each year passes, I am blown away by how much less this world means to me. How much less afraid of what people say, do, and have done to me. The one thing that remains focal is Him and Him alone.

As Easter Sunday rolls around, it seems as if every Church has some sort of "Special Event" planned for their Church, in an attempt to draw a crowd. This saddens me so much. Because, Easter usually is one day when people feel they "HAVE" to attend church. The one thing Jesus has always been really, really good at, is drawing a crowd. By all means, invite your loved ones, friends, coworkers, whoever, to Church on Easter. But, let them know this is the day we celebrate the Gospel! That God made a way for us. Then on that day, TELL them how "He is not here, HE IS RISEN!" The Gospel, and the Gospel alone saves, and if your church has 7 people there on Easter Sunday, then you tell those 7 people about God's great love for them. He knows who needs to hear. WE need to let God be God, and God saves through Faith alone, by Grace alone.

I pray that someone invites you, or you go to find out what I am saying has any weight, or that you have been feeling the gentle tug upon your heart to surrender your life completely to Him. 7 years. He has given me 7 life breathing years knowing Him. I get excited to know that He isn't done with me yet. I blow it all the time, but He always encourages me right back to His side. My prayer is that by next year's blog I can know more of you as my brother and sisters, than just my friends.

"The Angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid; for I know you are looking for Jesus who has been crucified. He is not here, He has risen, just as He said. Come see the place where He was lying." 

"So if the Son sets you free, you are free indeed." John 8:36