An Aching Mommy Heart...

A few days ago, I was so blessed to receive a few photos from another waiting adoptive Mommy. Her daughter is in the same orphanage as my sweet boy. Her daughter had a birthday, and she like so many other waiting Mommy's are allowed to send a birthday care package through our agency. This is a tremendous blessing I am sure to all involved. Todd and I have already begun thinking of what kind of care package we could send Asa! Well, the orphanage celebrated her birthday, and also was so kind to send back photos of this little girl's party to her waiting Mommy. As God would have planned it, we just so happen to belong to an online group for children being adopted out of Shijiazhuang City, China. She is also a member of this online group, so she proudly posts her baby's birthday photos! But, wait...what are those familiar pink flowered sandals I see?!?!? Could that be my baby boy at a birthday party?!?! YES! About 5 photos of him celebrating a sweet orphanage friend's birthday. Oh how my heart ached and leapt when I saw the pictures! I did not even know how to handle the flood of emotion. He was so healthy looking. So ornery looking!! My Asa. MY ASA!! My baby who feels a million miles away, at a birthday party. I am not even going to pretend I know what is going on inside of me, but it is just incredible. When people would tell me how they just missed their unknown child, or how they would cry at the drop of a hat, I just didn't get it. I can say now, I SO GET IT. I start to cry for no reason when I think about him. I get a deep, empty, pit feeling in my stomach. I just want to occupy my mind with anything but thoughts of him, because I miss him so much. I want to hold him in my arms, and smooch him, and smell him, and never put him down. As tears just flow down my face, I feel my heart breaking, for someone I have never met. It can only be The Lord. What work are you doing in me Lord? What have you started in this Mommy? I panic when I see the amount of money it will cost to bring you to me, but have peace that transcends all understanding, because you were given to me, by someone that holds ALL the power. The love I have for you was birthed in my heart by The One who lives there. I just knew I had to write this down for you Asa, how you haven't yet seen my face, but I love you so much. I understand now. I understand that "WE LOVE because HE FIRST LOVED US!" How this verse comes alive to me, and I hope to you someday. I pray that you are warm, and that you are safe, but I already KNOW you are LOVED. Oh, what plans The Lord has for you sweet boy! I am already in love with your sweet caramel colored skin, your deep brown eyes, and ebony hair. I am in love with your ornery personality, and melt your heart smile. When I see you, I see how our Faithful Lord, hand picked you for this family, and the exhausting journey it has been to just get to THIS very moment. But, I know that it will be all worth it. All of it. Every copper penny spent, every tear shed, and every moment I crumble until you are home. Tonight, I am clinging to Psalm 103:17 "But the LOYAL love of YAHWEH is from everlasting to everlasting ON THOSE WHO FEAR HIM, and HIS righteousness to their children's children." It is humbling me more and more each day, as I watch the pages of a love story being written. Bless the LORD, O' my Soul.