He ran into my arms one year ago...

It's another family day for the Harding team! One year ago, a little boy that we had been matched with for over a year, was sitting in a director's office in Shijiazhuang China. He was playing quietly on the floor, dressed in literally everything he owned. His lamb pajamas, a pair of jeans, a brand new jean jacket, and his shoes. Shoes that were at least two sizes two small, with no laces, and the left one ripped which made it fall off with most every step. I pushed away two giant pieces of plastic that covered the door, and I saw him. The orphanage director stood him up, and in an instant he ran into my arms with a glorious "MAMA!" It was a gotcha day like I was never expecting. It broke me into a million pieces. It still breaks me each time I watch the video. He had waited so so long, until we one day were there.

Writing about my Asa is so so beautiful, that I am crying thinking about it right now. In the adoption world, Todd and I literally hit the JACKPOT with this little guy. How he came to be a Harding is only the work of The Most High, and reflecting upon it brings me to my breaking point, in a thankful, and humble way. Asa's file was never supposed to come to us. We had not checked his special need on our "accepted needs list." But OUR plans NEVER THWART the King of King's. His file was was for a little boy with Cerebral Palsy, and Microcephaly. Todd and I remember mulling this over, and over. Could we handle this? What would his medical care look like? How severe were the needs? These things were real issues to us, and they were scary. That was until I got a clear, and undeniable word in the Scripture that he was in fact OUR SON. Regardless of his needs, God made himself abundantly clear to Todd and I that we were to go get him. So we said yes, knowing that whatever came with him, we could adapt and overcome. I do have to say, our fear fled in the instant we said yes. I mean not one ounce of fear. We just knew.  We had to change our special needs form to show that we would indeed accept a child with his diagnosis. Now, fast forward through the one whole year he has been home....

My Asa Josiah, has been an absolute DREAM since he has been home with us. He is literally a child FILLED with joy. All day, every second. Nothing, and I do mean nothing steals it away. Even when I had thought in my heart of hearts I had stolen it. Several times. We wake up to smiles and squeals of joy, every.single.day. We get "HI MOMMY!!" and "HEY DADDY!!", a boy who hugs and kisses, leaps with joy, snuggles with brothers and sisters. He is so gentle, kind, obedient. He makes everyone who meets him smile. Everyone. I'm not even exaggerating. He is so so smart. He has just seized each and every day he has been with his family. Oh how God knew what we needed. Throughout the two years we waited to get both Asa and Selah, the one verse I clung to and had plastered throughout my house was Psalm 27:13-14 "I BELIEVE that I shall look upon the GOODNESS of The Lord in the land of the living! Wait for The Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for The Lord!" 
And, I wish that I could stress enough that He is so faithful, and so so good! I watched His goodness unfold right before our eyes with Asa.

He has a completely unknown past. We will never know what his birth parents named him. We will never know what day, or what time he was born. We will never know how much he weighed, or how tall he was. We will never know why he was abandoned. We will never know where he was found. Only our Abba Father knows. Only He knows while Asa was being knit together in the womb, what great and mighty things a little boy so full of joy will accomplish for His Name and His Renown! On October 19th, 2014 Asa became a son, a brother, a cherished child, and he was named forever. This not so little 4 year old boy has completely wrecked me on the inside. Asa has shown me the dark side of my sinful heart like nothing else on this earth has. He has brought me to my knees in crying tears, begging for forgiveness for my dark, selfish, soul. And I am GRATEFUL. Do you hear me. Grateful. Nothing has grown me and challenged me more this year as Christ follower, than walking out His Gospel, every single morning as Asa & Selah's Mommy. I feel so privileged that God has allowed me to be the one to experience joy upon joy from this little one. I think to myself what I will tell him one day when he begins to question his most vague past. I don't really get sad about the story anymore, because the true story is that even though it started out not so great, The Great I AM knew him and made a way for him. But in some weird way, I think Asa already gets that. The heart of The Father is already beating in that little one's body. I really just get to stand back and watch it unfold. What a beautiful seat I have!! I pray that one day his birth Momma will know what an incredible treasure he really, truly is! She won't ever know this side of Heaven, but what a party we could have if she knows Jesus Christ!

To close out this little update on our beautiful boy, the cherry on top of the whole thing is our boy has no special needs. He is a perfectly healthy, normal, little guy. He doesn't have anything that his file stated he did, which truly never mattered to us anyhow. When we gave God our yes, it came with no conditions.  Asa's true and only special need, was a family.

It's been a WHOLE year y'all.....

One year ago, I was sitting in a small-ish room, in a building where it is still okay to smoke INSIDE of, with about 5 other families, and we were just waiting. We were all waiting for that second where all of the paperwork we compiled over two years, 25+ hours of airplane and vehicular travel, would all be forgotten in an instant. The instant they handed over to me a little 24 pound, screaming, fear and trembling, 18 month old baby. She was wrapped in 3 layers of clothing in 78 degree weather, sweating, pale, and watched with terror as the only face she knew since she was 3 months old, her Ayi (nanny), handed her over to a big, bearded, bald, Baba. It was that fast. So fast that I was scrambling to get my phone to record this moment. She was finally ours. The little girl promised by God to us. Yes, PROMISED by God to US. She was. Little Fan Fan. I just remember seeing her crying face and not even knowing what to do, but my Mommy instinct did. I just scooped her up and tried with all my might to comfort her. I wanted her to feel safe. I wanted her to smell me. I wanted to smell her. I wanted her to know that we were going to be OKAY! I just barely remember her orphanage director telling me what she ate, and how she slept. I literally just grasped, bottle and nap times. Everything else was Charlie Brown's teacher to me. We made it through China for three weeks, and I will write another blog in 7 days telling about her brother, but for now, I just want you to know what this year has been about for our family.

You know, I had read tons of blogs, read books, searched out Google for anything to help me be a "Great NEW adoptive Mommy." But, everything I read, never prepared me for the first year I had with our sweet Selah. Her special need is a limb difference which will require her to wear a prosthetic leg for the rest of her life. BUT, that in my mind, THAT is what got her out of China. That's it. It by far is/was the easiest thing about her. Even teaching her how to walk, was a piece of cake compared to her ACTUAL special need. Her actual special need is healing. Internal, mental, HEALING. It is THE only thing that presented itself for this first year, and we aren't done. She and I have spent hours, OW-WERR-ZZZZ, laying on the floor, holding her in my lap, restraining her arms and legs so she cannot hurt herself, or try to hurt me. It is THE most heartbreaking thing Todd and I have ever experienced. In the adoption world they just call them "rages." But, it is so much more. I don't want to go into super detail, because I'm sure it will be embarrassing to her one day, and it really breaks my heart.  But, the trauma of her being left and abandoned, not once but, TWICE, was just too much for her sweet brain to comprehend. Her special need is her need to control, everyone, and everything. She has the hardest time just trusting and being, and it presents itself with as much violence as a little 28 pound, 2 year old can muster. But God, y'all. He is with me. HE has been with me, even when no one else was. Through all the mornings I could not do, NOT ONE MORE, breakfast session that lasted 3 hours, He was present. Through all the rages I could not do, NOT ONE MORE, banging of her head on the floor. He calmed the raging storm in me and her when I could not do NOT ONE MORE, face smacking, ear ripping, scratching, afternoon. The only promise I had was His. The promise that HE fulfilled, and I promised to love through the trenches, even when I could not even bring myself to just LIKE the little girl that was placed in my arms on October 13th, 2014. As the months passed, she started to just "be" more and more. Her raging became less frequent, and less intense with each passing week. We started find a groove. We started to connect. She started to show signs of happiness. She began to understand WHO we were. She knew that she had a home. All the things that you never really get to SEE with your own eyes when you have a biological baby. She began to be silly. She began to be KIND. She started to be HILARIOUS. And it was incredible to witness. It's such a mirror image of The Gospel. I mean almost IDENTICAL. How we begin to just BE, and to just TRUST, and to just KNOW, that Our Savior Jesus Christ has us. Safe and secure. Each and every time Selah would rage, and rage, I could see that it was exactly what I did against a Holy God. I fought and fought, until one day, I got it.

Today, my sweet girl still rages, but man have we nailed it down. We can get her through it, sometimes in 15 minutes, sometimes in an hour and 15 minutes. But, I can get her through it. She no longer tries to hurt herself, or me. She has let that part go, thank you Jesus. She no longer bangs her face and head on the floor, thank you Jesus. She no longer holds food in her mouth for hours and hours, thank you Jesus. She no longer sits for three hours refusing to eat, thank you Jesus. She no longer refuses sleep, thank you Jesus. She is becoming a daughter, a sister, a cherished child. THANK YOU JESUS. Many many times, the catchphrase that Todd would tell me every day, because I NEEDED him to tell me was, "Honey, God knew who the perfect Mommy to raise her would be." I blew it a LOT over this past year. A. LOT. But, I think I have repented more than I ever have in the history of ever, and He has been faithful. FAITHFUL. Every single second of this year has been used for my good and His Glory. All of it. He will bring you through anything He calls you to friends. He will. This was never the way I pictured my family would grow. I never thought in a million, bajillion, trillion, infinity years, that I could love with all my heart, soul, and strength, someone who was ONLY important to our Great IAM. But, I do, and she is absolutely, without a doubt, the greatest GIFT wrapped up perfectly in a bow of spitfire and sass. I only wish I had more words to express just how amazing she is. Happy 1 year Family Day my sweet Selah girl. You are cherished, loved, and wanted. I love you more than you will EVER know.

7....

As I opened up my blog to sit down and write, I noticed that it has been almost six months since the last time I was able to blog. Geez. I am in no way a writer, and I barely think anything I have to say is "blog worthy" but, I try to do an occasional sit down whenever I want to remember something significant. This just happens to be one of those times. Today is Good Friday, and I always seem to reflect upon my walk with Jesus on this day. You see, without this weekend, my faith in Christ means absolutely nothing. The Apostle Paul said it the most profoundly in my opinion.

"And if Christ has not been raised, then ALL our preaching is useless, and your FAITH is useless. And we apostles would ALL be lying about God-for we have said that God raised Christ from the grave. But that can't be true if there is no resurrection of the dead. And if there is no resurrection of the dead, then Christ has not been raised, then your FAITH is useless and you are STILL guilty of your sins. In that case, all who have died believing in Christ are LOST! And if our HOPE IN CHRIST is ONLY for THIS LIFE, WE ARE TO BE MORE PITIED THAN ANYONE IN THE WORLD." 1 Corinthians 15:14-19 {NLT}

Paul is telling the Church at Corinth that we are to be the most pitied people on the planet if Christ did not raise from the dead. And that just blows my mind, that a statement like that is in the Bible. Because it is so true. Our Christian Faith is solely based on one single event in history. Jesus not being in that tomb Sunday morning. An event in time that at one time I mocked openly. You see, 7 years ago on Easter Sunday, Jesus called me by name, and pulled me out of the muck and the mire, and set my feet on His path. And 7 years later, it is still the most important relationship in my life. 7 years of walking hand in hand with The Creator of the Universe. The Alpha & The Omega. Who did not woo me to Himself when I had it all together. No. He plucked me out when I was a murderer, an adulterer, a liar, a thief, jealous, broken, and had a dark, cynical, prideful, arrogant, heart. That was ALL me. All of those things, and to top it off, I openly mocked His name. I mocked those who called His name precious. You could not possibly get me to set foot inside of a Church. No way, no how. But, He knew how to get me there, and He knew I needed to hear the Truth. I heard the Gospel that day. And, when I say I heard it, I HEARD IT. It was all of a sudden heard with ears that knew without a shadow of a doubt that what Pastor Rick Barnett was reading Easter Sunday 2008, was true. I don't know why, but I knew that my sin was sin He died bearing for me, so that I might KNOW Him. I have never been the same since. On April 6th 2008, I was baptized in the East China Sea, and when I came up from that water, I. WAS.FREE. Do you hear me? I was free. I can't explain it in any better language than that, and I have sought to know who He is, and what His Word says, ever since. Each time I look back to that day, it humbles me in a way that I can't convey without tears. To know how dirty, and wretched, how broken, I was until He swooped down and rescued me? It's a gratefulness that I can only give back to Him by making MUCH of HIS NAME. It sometimes feels as if it will overflow from my body and spill onto the floor. When I hear His name spoken in reverence, I feel as if I have to bow my head, or bend my knees. SO, you out there who don't know Him. WHAT would cause me to have this significant of a life change, if it WAS NOT for an empty tomb? There is no other answer, other than Jesus Christ. As each year passes, I am blown away by how much less this world means to me. How much less afraid of what people say, do, and have done to me. The one thing that remains focal is Him and Him alone.

As Easter Sunday rolls around, it seems as if every Church has some sort of "Special Event" planned for their Church, in an attempt to draw a crowd. This saddens me so much. Because, Easter usually is one day when people feel they "HAVE" to attend church. The one thing Jesus has always been really, really good at, is drawing a crowd. By all means, invite your loved ones, friends, coworkers, whoever, to Church on Easter. But, let them know this is the day we celebrate the Gospel! That God made a way for us. Then on that day, TELL them how "He is not here, HE IS RISEN!" The Gospel, and the Gospel alone saves, and if your church has 7 people there on Easter Sunday, then you tell those 7 people about God's great love for them. He knows who needs to hear. WE need to let God be God, and God saves through Faith alone, by Grace alone.

I pray that someone invites you, or you go to find out what I am saying has any weight, or that you have been feeling the gentle tug upon your heart to surrender your life completely to Him. 7 years. He has given me 7 life breathing years knowing Him. I get excited to know that He isn't done with me yet. I blow it all the time, but He always encourages me right back to His side. My prayer is that by next year's blog I can know more of you as my brother and sisters, than just my friends.

"The Angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid; for I know you are looking for Jesus who has been crucified. He is not here, He has risen, just as He said. Come see the place where He was lying." 

"So if the Son sets you free, you are free indeed." John 8:36

One Giant "Thank You Note."

So here I sit, at 5:12 am, and being up since 1:28 am. The Asian Invasion is in full effect at the Haus of Harding. The kids are not sleeping well at all. They are up, and down, up and down, up and down. So while Todd snuggles them on the couch with some VeggieTales, I thought I would sit down and write a quick note to all of the sweet folks who knocked our socks off when we returned home from China. Oh, how I wish I could sit down and write each of you a special "Thank You Note" but I know I would be kidding myself. I am lucky if I can put one baby down to potty. I also was having issues with my phone since I returned from China as well. I had all sorts of text issues, time issues, voicemail issues. Geez. I mean. So, if I haven't responded to you, it's certainly not because I don't love you, because I so do. Before I get into our return trip, I just want to be very transparent with you all. I have been so overwhelmed by the uniting of our Village. Overwhelmed with the uniting in prayer. Overwhelmed with the uniting of funds. Overwhelmed with the "doing good, especially to those in the family of Faith." {Gal.6:10} Most of you know that for most of our lives, Todd and I have done all the things, on our own. We have not had "get your hands dirty" help and support. We have become a very good team, him and I. Mostly because we both have the same goal in our minds, and we work very hard to achieve the same things. I have found myself succumbing to the help of others. I am blown away by the joy I see on the faces of those just wanting to put their hands and feet to the plow with us. I haven't ever seen that in my life, until I met Jesus. I struggle with feelings of complete un-worthiness. I struggle to accept help, and ask for help. And I know exactly where it stems from. Even sitting here typing it, I have more memories of asking, crying, yearning, for help, and not receiving it, than I do getting it. It makes me turn to see just how my newest littles are feeling. Crying to have their needs met, and no one comes. Being so extremely clingy, because they are not sure if you are coming back. Worried faces as friends come over to drop off food, not sure if I am going to pass them off.  My thoughts are falling quickly into being a failure, because I can't even begin to think about how I, me, ME, with all my quirks, is even going to be able to raise them. So that is where I am at right now.

Psalm 145:18-19 {NLT} " The LORD is CLOSE to ALL who call on HIM, yes, to ALL who call on HIM in Truth. He grants the desires of those who fear Him; He hears their cries for HELP and RESCUES them." 

I was so thankful to read that yesterday while searching for just one mere nugget of God's Word to speak to me.  So all that to say, "Thank You." Thank you for just doing, and allowing me "not to ask." I feel so filled to the brim of thankfulness. Walking into my house after that long trip back from China, was indescribable. Walking in to the smell of a pot roast simmering in a crock pot, then walking in to my own bedroom finding about 10 gift bags sitting on my bed, FULL of clothes for our babies. The load that took off my shoulders was unreal. The burdens that many of you eased for us by praying are huge. The burdens you have released by just being encouraging, and speaking kind words, and posting scripture to our Facebook Page. Parents, Teachers, Friends, Families, all joined hands in agreement, and made the choice to LOVE the little nomad family called the Hardings. I never would have imagined that God would have paved such a perfect little yellow brick road for us. Never. Not in a million years. All we ever wanted was to add to our little family, raise some great kids, build a legacy. We just wanted to do whatever it was that would bring the absolute most Glory to Him possible. I never expected anything in return. But, He has given me a return on my investment that I find it hard to even accept at times! Like I feel like saying, NO NO Lord, it's too much! But, then He keeps the fountains flowing. I think I finally understand what He means when He says "Give and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, it will be POURED into your LAP. For with the MEASURE YOU USE, it WILL BE MEASURED to you." Luke 6:38 {NIV}
But, what a double minded wretch I am. Those verses are never meant for me, only for others. I never "expect" to reap the huge blessings, only what I measure myself to. Which isn't much. So dear friends, thank you so much. I wish I could give to you what you have given to us via our Heavenly Father. I pray that you know in your hearts how I want you all to know that nothing you have done or given to us has been missed or taken for granted. Not one thing. I cherish each and every gift, word, hug, text, phone call. I am literally yearning to hug all the necks, and smooch all the cheeks. I know I will get that chance in the weeks ahead. Time to head back to that plow, because this field isn't going to harvest by itself!! HUGS!!!

Hangin' In Hangzhou: Day 1...

We have made it to the Land of China! We got in late last night around midnight October 12th. After about 30 hours of travel we were so thankful to be hitting our bed in our hotel. We are staying at the Merchant Marco Hotel in a very affluent part of Hangzhou. It is very nice. We met our guide Savor, and our Driver for the week. Both are VERY kind, and our driver was very cautious in getting us to Hangzhou from Shanghai. We slept very well, and awoke at about 5:30 am. Breakfast is served at 6:30, so before breakfast we were able to Skype with both of the kids! Oh that made my heart full. I am missing them so much already, but I am so thankful they are with some very great friends who love them like their own. It was so nice to see their faces. Taryn has been sending me text messages over Skype, and I just love it. She makes sure she says Good Morning, and Good Night, and sends lots of emoji's with her messages. We went to breakfast at 6:30, and we were blown away by our breakfast buffet. It was a huge buffet with traditional Chinese food, and Western food. They had a chef there to make any kind of eggs you wanted. Fresh fruit, and freshly squeezed juices of all kinds. My favorite was the bacon, and the coffee. I love strong coffee, but in America it tends to more bitter the stronger it's made. Well this coffee was very strong, but it was not at all bitter. It had more of a nutty taste. Todd and I drank the entire pot ourselves. Sorry China. After a shower, and getting ready, we met our guide, and headed out to walk around. It is a gorgeous day of around 70 degrees, sunny, and very windy. We went to a large WalMart type of store, where they had everything. Our guide Savor and I had a ball!! She is super fun, and I really like her. She totally gets my sarcasm! It is very pretty here, and reminds me a lot of Okinawa. I feel so blessed to have lived there for 5 years, because I am not at all culture shocked at the grocery store! I pretty much knew all of the things, and have tried many. I found a bunch of snacks that I knew were delicious for Selah. I bought blueberry Pocky, which for all my Okinawa buddies, they HAVE BLUEBERRY!! They had about 9 flavors of Pocky! So great. Took this great photo for my friends Kim & Emily.

                                                       {Green Tea Ice Cream Flavored}

Our Guide Savor...

We are so excited to finally be in China! For the rest of the day/evening we are pretty much hanging out in the hotel. We will grab a bite to eat and then hit the sack, because tomorrow is a BIG DAY!! It's SELAH day! We should have our sweet girl in our arms at about 9:30 am tomorrow! Please pray for her to not be too scared or fearful, and that her grieving would not be desperate. Along with the beauty of adoption comes the heartbreak as well. This poor girl has no clue about what is going on in her little life. Thank you guys so much for keeping us covered in prayer. We have had such great peace, and things have been just falling right into place!!

HIGHLIGHT OF THE DAY: Erin almost pays a  Buddist woman to pray for her. Just Bless all that.

Sweet Selah....

Selah. The Hebrew word used primarily in the Book of Psalms & also three times in the third chapter of the Book of Habakkuk. The definition of the word has come to universally mean theologically, to pause, to reflect, and to give praise or say "Amen!" I have been doing lots and lots of research regarding this particular word in Scripture because The Lord made it very clear to me that it was to be her name.

When I laid eyes on her face, she took my breath away. She literally caused me to "pause", "reflect", and to say "Amen!" She will be our daughter. Her story is so great y'all. A story that only Our Lord God could write. Won't you listen with ears to hear?

"Give THANKS to The Lord, and PROCLAIM His greatness. Let the WHOLE WORLD know what HE has done. Sing to Him; YES SING HIS PRAISES. TELL everyone about His WONDERFUL deeds." 1 Chronicles 16:8-9 (NLT)

On March 5th, 2014 we were presented her file. I know that that date is very significant, because we were in the midst of celebrating our son Asa's birthday from across the pond! Asa turned three, and Todd and I received a text from our Social Worker, asking if she could conference call us in around 4pm. She said that she had to ask some questions about our documents we had submitted for Asa. She phoned us at 4pm sharp, and quickly began to let us know that she did not in fact need to go over any documents, but that she had just gotten approval from the entire staff of our Agency, to present us with a file she had put on hold for us days ago. Wait? What? "Erin, didn't you write a blog post about how your Agency was NOT going to allow you to go forward with adopting a second child?" WHY yes I did! I did not feel another blog post was really necessary for the news we received about three weeks following our No. Our Agency, through prayer and seeking the best thing for our family and Asa, decided that because we were already approved for 2 in our home study and our I-800a paperwork, they would still consider us candidates to adopt two children concurrently. Honestly, I did not want to get my hopes up, because I didn't want to be disappointed again. So I stayed quiet about it for the most part. Only a few people knew that we were still being considered, and it came with a BUNCH of stipulations. The child would have to be chosen by Lifeline. The child had to be approved by every one of the higher ups at the Agency. Meaning in laymen's terms, it HAD to be the PERFECT child, the PERFECT FILE, and the PERFECT fit. No pressure or anything. But, basically, GOD had to move every single mountain, and let me tell you, I KNEW HE was going to do it!! I kept saying to Todd, to every one of my prayer warriors, HE is going to do it y'all! God just does NOT close a door, and then crack it open again to dangle the possibility in our faces. Revelation 3:7 "What HE opens NO ONE can close, and what He closes NO ONE can open." Months went by. We still had no idea if we were going to be bringing home one, or two. We knew we were going for Asa, and we were OKAY with that. We had resigned ourselves to get it through our heads that we could be taking two trips to China. Until.... We got her file. The waves of emotions that echoed through our home were fantastic! Ian later said that his Daddy was "sobbing so many tears it was like it was raining inside." The rest of the night was pure bliss! We literally were on cloud nine. It felt just as glorious as it had felt when we said yes to Asa. That night before bed, Todd and I prayed and thanked The Lord for just being amazing, and answering lots and lots of prayers. Prayers uttered from the mouth of me, Todd, Taryn & Ian. After we were finished praying, I said to Todd, "Man, I wish that I had a scripture I could cling to for her, just like I had gotten for Asa." Because this Momma knows that my Lord NEVER contradicts His Word. I know I can always take it to the bank. Rely on it when I get afraid of the unknown. I have had to do that several times with Asa, but I KNOW that I KNOW, he is my son, because God said so. I just wanted that same thing for her. Something that my heart knew she was meant for us, God-picked.

Please hear me when I tell you that stuff like that is IMPORTANT to Him, folks. Because the very next morning, God blessed me durning my quiet time. He gave me my scripture to cling to.

Isaiah 61:7 {NLT} "Instead of shame and dishonor, YOU will enjoy a DOUBLE share of honor. YOU will possess a DOUBLE portion of prosperity in your land, and EVERLASTING JOY will be YOURS."

And just like that I knew my Selah Karis was meant to be our daughter. The fact that The Lord of all the earth, would take such care to have me know HIS giant plan? I mean it is almost too much for my brain to comprehend. Later on that morning, our Social Worker texted me a photo of our entire agency praying for our family. The entire China staff praying and cheering for our family. You guys it was almost too much!

Because this story is quite long, but so needs to be told, please take this moment to grab a drink, and or a snack. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Still cruising through Day 2, about carpool time. I texted Emily to let her know that I was so consumed with thankfulness and gratitude, the scripture from Psalm 8:4 "What are mere mortals that that You should think about them, human beings that You should care for them?" Kept popping into my head. I just HAD to tell someone. But she texted me back this scripture, sort of like God prompting her to tell me, "No, HOW about this one?" It is King David's prayer of Thanksgiving. I quickly pulled it up on my phone and just sat there is complete awe, because The Word is ALIVE people. That a person over 2000 years ago, felt EXACTLY the way I was feeling in 2014 sitting in the carpool lane. I mean....just read for yourself.

2 Samuel 7:18-22 {NLT} " Then King David went in and sat before The Lord and prayed, "Who am I, O Sovereign Lord, and WHAT is MY FAMILY that YOU have brought ME this far? And now, Sovereign Lord, in addition to everything else, You speak of giving Your servant a LASTING DYNASTY! Do you deal with everyone this way, O Sovereign Lord? What more can I say to You? You KNOW what Your servant is REALLY LIKE, Sovereign Lord. Because of YOUR PROMISE and according to YOUR WILL, You have done ALL these great things and have made them known to your servant. How GREAT You are, O Sovereign Lord! There is NO ONE LIKE YOU. We have never even heard of another God like You! 

The rest of that chapter is really, really good too! Please read it!! Alrighty, we now pause for this seriously necessary cuteness.

Now, let me fast forward to why I decided to write this blog today of all days. I wrote it down because I NEEDED to remember. I needed to PAUSE, to REFLECT, and to say AMEN! Today was a very lazy Saturday around the Haus of Harding. We were really just enjoying the gorgeous day, the date is 3-15-14, and as I was cleaning up the house something inside of me thought it would be so cool to look up on Facebook, what I was doing/thinking on Selah's birthday. Her given birthday is February 12th, 2013. Is it her actual birthday? Probably not. It was probably given to her because she was abandoned. BUT that date is what is ALL over her file. So I hop onto my Facebook account, and pull up my status for February 12th, 2013. Many of you might remember that I did a 30 days of Hubby Bragging on my Facebook. Well, this particular day was day 30. And here is a screenshot of what I posted. Please click on the photo to enlarge it if you aren't able to read the small photo.

 Also please take note of the comment left by my amazing hubby! You still not sure God works in the details? Well, let me seal the deal for you right now. This is my husband's status he posted on his Facebook, the exact same day.

Our God, perfect in His timing. Perfect in all His ways. Was orchestrating each and every thing to bring this little girl into our life. A blessing all FOR HIS NAME, and HIS GLORY. Gah-lee, I cannot fathom NOT knowing a merciful and loving God such as ours. He is absolutely perfect, and each and every time His Plan is so incredibly perfect, and I wish I could convey how HE wants us to live absolutely, and completely surrendered to Him and His Will. He will show you GREAT and GLORIOUS things each and.every.time. Please take a minute to find your Selah moment. Your great pause, reflection, and praise of Amen! Thank Him for it. Thank Him for the road He took you down to get there, because looking through from the other side is SOOOO WORTH IT! We are stronger people for clinging to His promise, even when we thought there was NO HOPE. After a YES, turned to a NO, turned to a MAYBE, turned to an AMEN! Friends, our family will be going from four to six in just a few short months! I can hardly stand it. Asa got a little sister as his birthday present, and our family got a huge God blessing! Can I just also mention in closing, Selah's middle name is Karis, which means "Grace" in Greek. So her name will mean, Pause, Reflect, say Amen...to Grace.

China said YES!!

"O Glorious Day!" The Hardings have LOA!!! This is a HUGE milestone for us! This little document came to us today via FedEx from the land of China! LOA means "Letter of Acceptance." It officially says that Todd and I are, in the eyes of China, Asa's parents! He is ours and we are his! A family has been created from miles and miles away! How I love this little boy I have not yet met!! Did you hear that?! I have NOT YET MET! But he is mine. On the LOA it says that he is a "Foundling." In about two and a half months, he will no longer be a "foundling" but a Harding! Wanted. Treasured. Loved. Chosen. He will have brothers and sisters, a home, a bed, and most importantly a Mommy & Daddy who have prayed and prayed and prayed for years, FOR HIM!! This my friends is such an answer to years of prayer. As I was talking to a dear friend last night, I could barely contain my emotions as reality is beginning to settle in for me. I NEVER, EVER pictured that I would be at THIS day. That THIS day would be possible for my family. We have been trying to add to our little family for a very long time, and God is revealing His great plan to us, and I do have to say it is overwhelmingly GLORIOUS! And, I think the biggest answer to prayer for me is knowing without a shadow of a doubt that Adoption is NEVER plan B. It has always been plan A for The Lord! My heart longed to know that I could love Asa just as I could my very own biological children, and He has shown me so clearly, and given me the blessing of knowing love through the eyes of Jesus Christ. How He sees us, as His adopted children. But, most importantly, is how He knew before the foundation of the earth who's Asa's family would be. I'm so humbled that The Great I AM would choose me, to be even a small part to a glorious story. Watching the Scriptures play out, right before my eyes, is just incredible. So, we are coming Asa Josiah!! So very soon, I will be holding you!
Isaiah 12:4 {NLT} " In that WONDERFUL day you will sing: "Thank the LORD! Praise His name! Tell the nations what HE HAS DONE. Let them KNOW how MIGHTY He is!"

Happy 3rd Birthday Asa Josiah!!

This week started off much like most of my weeks. It was Monday, and I had scheduled a lunch date with my dear sweet friend Diane. We had had to reschedule due to our involvement with DNow weekend. And to be super honest, I almost again rescheduled our lunch date, because 1. I was exhausted from running a half-marathon and 2. having 23 sixth grade girls at my house all weekend. I just wanted to put my house back in order and take a nap. But, because I do love my lunches with her, I succumbed. But, I was going to be rebellious and NOT wash my hair for this occasion, and I may have shown up in yoga capris. I show up to Albany's hot spot, Olive Garden. Upon arrival, I greet my sweet friend, and we go to our table. I was on my phone by the way..(Uhhh RUDE!) and when I get to the table, I see balloons, a cake, and 3 of the sweetest friends sitting there!! I was completely unsure at what was about to go down, and I asked what any other person would ask..."Who's birthday is it?!" And in my brain, I was like" DANG did Diane tell me it was someones birthday, and I forgot. Plus I didn't have a gift!" But, in a matter of seconds, I was advised by my dear friend and "queen of deception & trickery" Emily, that this was for ASA!!! I think I stopped breathing. I was completely overwhelmed that they had thought to do this, and I just felt so humbled and thankful that The Lord has placed these sweet sisters to walk by my side during this season of life called Adoption. These people get it. Understanding that every single thing you have to cling to with your child is worth celebrating. That it is important to uplift and celebrate WITH you! And maybe sometimes they just enjoy seeing me squawl like a crazy, adopting Momma. Who knows. But, I am glad they do either way! It was so wonderful, and we ate cake. Fassstttttt forward to early this morning!!! March 5th. When I woke up, Todd wanted me to check my email just in case we had received anything from China regarding the birthday party we sent to Asa. We had prayed last night that Asa would be blessed, and happy on his birthday. We also prayed that he would be extra specially loved on, if only just for that day. And wouldn't you know it. We serve a FAITHFUL GOD you guys. Faithful. We had six photos and a video waiting for us!! It was a little like mass chaos getting those photos and videos downloaded at 6am trying to get the kids ready for school! But, oh what a treasure they are to a waiting Mommy's heart. A treasure! Just to see his sweet, sweet face. He has lots of hair now, and he looks so healthy! Our lives are so about to change with this sweet little guy. We are in LOVE with him. This will be the very last birthday he will be without a forever family. Here are the treasures of the day! He is the crowned Prince in the following photos!!

And the most perfect videoooo!!

"Nevertheless, the HEART of ASA was WHOLLY TRUE to The LORD, ALL of his days." 1 Kings 15:14

DTC & Valuable Lessons....

The Hardings have officially become DTC!! This in the international adoption world is a HUGE step in bringing home our baby! DTC means "Dossier To China." Our Dossier is a giant package of paperwork that we have completed. All the documents have been checked, and rechecked! Originals are enclosed, and ALL of it goes to China! There it will be translated, and the Chinese government will issue us an official approval on Asa. That means that they have accepted us as adoptive parents to Asa, and are officially giving us permission to take him home! It has taken roughly eight months to get all of the paperwork and United States approvals, and now it is all in the hands of the Chinese government. I never thought I would see this day EVER sometimes. Let me walk you down a little unknown road for some of you. Adoption is exhausting. Not so much physically exhausting, but completely mentally exhausting. It consumes your mind all.the.time. Every situation you experience, you relate it to your adoption. The what-if's consume your mental capacity at every turn. There comes a time when you are so vested into it, that it is impossible to turn away. I have hit that moment a few times during these eight months. One day in particular {Wednesday, 2 days ago} I was completely ready to just Q.U.I.T! This is just TOO MUCH for me to have inside of my head!! I snapped the head off of my husband for easily thirty minutes. I threw my temper tantrum, because I am a fallen woman, in a fallen world, and for ONCE I just wanted it to be as easy as everyone made it look! But, it's not folks. It's just not. Maybe if you are a second timer, third timer, you may just have the road paved, and it is smooth sailing for you. But, for this girl, the road is NOT paved. It is hard, dirty, and filled with rocks. Take a seat because I am about to throw down the real to you. I have a cynical heart. It is THE ONE thing, I struggle to lay down at the Cross, all the time. I ask for prayer for it, I also pray myself for it. But, it is filled with cynicism, distrust, and I struggle to fill it with Truth. A lot of it comes from my childhood and growing up, and a lot comes from just living in a sinful world. Integrity is NOT a word that is honored anymore in our time. Most people tell you what you want to hear, or they are too busy hiding behind facades. Nothing and nobody is just REAL anymore. That makes it hard for a girl with a cynical heart. So back to two days ago. I was suffering from a real cynic attack, regarding this whole adoption thing. I was jus tired of NOT KNOWING answers. I feel like sometimes giving a class on how to be black and white, and living out of the GREY! Yes or no. True or false. Those answers. But, unfortunately, if you want those kind of answers, adoption won't give them to you. For the rest of the day I dove head first into the quick sand of life, and honestly I just felt like sinking. I just allowed that heaviness to weigh on me, and I even asked God, why do you allow all of this?! Why! And, in the next hours He taught me that lesson. Sometimes, you just have to drop all of your junk down, and PRAISE HIM! Just praise Him for what He is, and WHO He is! Thankfully, it was easy to do that on Wednesday night, as it is choir rehearsal. I hate going into choir with issues, because I cannot stand fake worship. I just told myself, just worship Him tonight, Erin. Simply for what He has done, so far. Well, wouldn't you know, we were practicing some really, really, really good worship songs! So as bedtime came, I was able to repent of my heart issues for the day, and just say Thank You. Awake to Thursday! After the kids got off to school, I started reading in 1 Peter, and then in my daily reading Psalm 145 was what was prescribed reading for the day. I closed it, without reading it, deciding to come back to it later. Boy. I tell you. We serve a God who is all about the details people. Sometimes, He has a word for you, but it has a specific time. It's just for us, at exactly the right time. My day went along, and we got the news of DTC, yesterday. What wonderful, exciting, glorious news! But, I mean honestly, I knew it was coming. We knew our Dossier was headed to China, any day now. So was it like out of the blue shocking? No. But, I can't help but think the lesson God wanted to teach me, was. So as soon, as I got home I picked up Psalm 145, and read.
I will exalt You, my God and King, and PRAISE Your Name forever and ever. 
I will praise You every day; YES, I will praise You forever. 
GREAT is the LORD! He is MOST WORTHY of praise! NO ONE can measure His greatness. 
Let each generation tell it's children of Your mighty acts; let them proclaim Your power.
I will meditate on Your majestic, glorious, splendor and Your wonderful miracles.
Your AWE-INSPIRING deeds will be on every tongue; I will proclaim Your greatness.
Everyone will share the story of Your wonderful goodness; they will sing with joy about Your righteousness. 
The LORD is MERCIFUL and COMPASSIONATE, SLOW to get ANGRY and FILLED WITH UNFAILING LOVE. {this gets me every time}
The LORD is GOOD to EVERYONE. He SHOWERS compassion on ALL HIS CREATION.
All of Your works will THANK YOU, Lord, and Your FAITHFUL followers will praise You. 
They will speak of the glory of Your kingdom; they will give examples of Your power. 
They will tell about Your mighty deeds and about the majesty and glory of Your reign.
For Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom. You rule throughout all generations.
The LORD ALWAYS KEEPS HIS PROMISES; HE IS GRACIOUS IN ALL HE DOES. {I mean somebody say AMEN!}
The LORD helps the fallen, {wait for it!!} AND LIFTS THOSE BENT BENEATH THEIR LOADS. {cue tears!!}
The eyes of all look to You in hope; You give them their food as they need it. 
When You open Your hand, You satisfy the hunger and thirst of every living thing.
The LORD is righteous in EVERYTHING He DOES; he is FILLED WITH KINDNESS.
The LORD is CLOSE TO ALL WHO CALL ON HIM, YES, TO ALL WHO CALL ON HIM IN TRUTH.
HE grants the desires of those who FEAR HIM; HE HEARS THEIR CRIES FOR HELP and RESCUES them.
The Lord protects ALL (all is ALL in the greek and hebrew) WHO LOVE HIM, but He destroys the wicked.
I WILL PRAISE THE LORD, and may everyone on earth BLESS HIS HOLY NAME FOREVER AND EVER.

That's how you fill a cynical heart full of Truth. Right there. And He is so gracious to KEEP providing the truth to me, over, and over, and over again. So much more comes through adoption than just getting sweet children. It comes with lessons from God, too. Big lessons. I may struggle with a cynical heart, but when I fall to the ground, shave my head, and "Praise the name of the Lord!" {Job 1:20-21 ref.} He will meet you right there in the ashes, and set you back on solid ground. I promise. And for the entire day before we got the news of DTC, I sang this song. About 17 times. Over and over. Excellent, Incredible, Omnipotent, Infallible!

Merry CHRISTmas, I800a APPROVAL!!!!!

This morning I awoke with the thoughts of my little Asa across the pond. I just wondered if he was warm, because it is not warm there. I wondered what he was doing, and if he had eaten a good supper. I wondered if anyone was giving him hugs and snuggles today. My dear sweet friend, just gave birth to a baby boy in the wee hours of the Christmas Eve morning. Although my heart leapt with happiness for her, I couldn't help but weep for my sweet son. I just cried, and in my spirit I heard this "Erin, I go before you." I immediately looked up where I had read that before in The Word, and it was Psalm 139: 1-18 (NLT)

" O Lord, You have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I'm far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know EVERYTHING I do. You know what I am going to say before I say it, Lord. You GO BEFORE ME and follow me. You place Your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, to great for me to understand! I can never escape from Your Spirit! I can never get away from Your presence! If I go up to heaven, You are there; if I go down to the grave, You are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, EVEN THERE Your hand WILL GUIDE ME, and Your strength will support me. I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night-
but even in darkness I cannot hide from You. To You the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to You. You made ALL the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. THANK YOU for making me SO WONDERFULLY COMPLEX! Your workmanship is marvelous-how well I know it. YOU WATCHED me as I was being formed in UTTER seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You SAW me before I was born. Every day of my life was RECORDED in Your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. HOW PRECIOUS ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT ME O God. They cannot be numbered! I can't even count them, they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, You are still with me!" 

How I needed that, and so thankful that He speaks in His still small voice. Just one line of this gorgeous Pslam, and everything that was going on in my heart about my son, He comforts. He sees. He knew my sweet Chinese boy before anyone, and He watched him being knit together in his momma's womb. It gave me such great peace to know that HE is keeping Asa warm, and HE is keeping Asa fed, until WE can get to him. Such a comfort to this Mommy! I then began to perk up a bit, because I KNOW that next CHRISTmas, Asa will be here to celebrate the birthday of a KING! The very King that brought him to his forever family. And the story just keeps on getting better and better folks! A little while later I got a phone call from Todd, and he was plum giddy to announce to me that our I800a, also known as our immigration approval, was approved with NO problems, and our official letter was mailed out yesterday! 62 days we had been waiting for this, and we have crested a giant hill!! Planted the flag, and we are "thiiiiissssss cloooseeeee" to sending our Dossier to China! I mean THIS CLOSE!! Like January 15th close! We are waiting on paperwork authentication, and BOOM! It's DONE! Like stick a fork in it! This is a huge Merry Christmas for Todd and I!  We were able to celebrate tonight with a nice meal out at our favorite sushi place, and I couldn't help but think, this would be the last Christmas we would spend as our little family of 4.

I know that our sweet little man is being covered under The Almighty's Hand. About a week ago we received news that Asa was moved from his orphanage in Shijiazhuang, to a specialized Cerebral Palsy rehabilitation hospital in the Henan province. This is a HUGE blessing, as that hospital can only house 100 orphans at a given time, and MY ASA is there! Getting therapy for his CP. This kind of care for orphans is just not the norm, and I know that God is showing Todd and I how BIG HE IS!! Just preparing every, single, step of the way. " Erin, I GO before you!" It is just forever etched on my heart, those words. And, the thankfulness I feel is just indescribable. So much so, that I cannot wait to tell Asa next year, " For a child is born to us, a son is given to us. The government will rest on His shoulders. And He shall be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

Adoption. The Hard Part.

I think that there always comes a moment when you have to really sit back and ask yourself, is this really worth it? Is it really worth all this pain? Then I look back to many a marathons, half marathons, 10K's, triathlons, I have trained and raced. The one thing that I always said to myself when I reached the point of being ready to quit, "if this was easy, everyone would be doing it." And, that is how I feel right now. I then look back at all the Lord has brought me through, and all of the endurance training He has been putting me through. It's for moments such as this. That moment when you get the phone call from your Social Worker, not for the promising referral of a little girl (which we thought it was), but to tell you that your agency has made THE decision to not let you bring home two children at once. And, that decision is final. For months and months, we have been preparing to bring home a little boy & a little girl, but for this time we will only be bringing home Asa. I would like to say however, this has nothing to do with myself or Todd. This was an across the board decision made for the entire China program of our agency. So I am sure there are others who will be receiving the same news. Gosh. It hurts. It hurts a lot. We have spent so much time, preparing for two. Praying for two. I mean we went into this with a word from the Lord about adopting two children. I mean we asked all the right questions, we followed EVERYONE'S rules. This just is just not the time. It is not God's perfect timing. Telling the kids tonight was very hard, but it also showed me just HOW FAITHFUL the God I serve and know is. After my sweet Taryn's sobfest in the backseat of the car. She was able to recall scripture, and the story of Job. She was able to see that Job, our perfect example of how to conduct ourselves in trials, was relevant to this very situation. She was able to see Him. We were able to talk about how no matter what goes on down here on earth, HE. is.still. God. HE is still on the THRONE! I could almost hear myself, the words of The Lord in Job, "where were you when I created the Heavens and the Earth?"  And in Isaiah, "for my thoughts are NOT your thoughts, and My WAYS are not your ways." It is so very humbling. It is so easy for me to almost crumble in a heap of my own sorrows. Sort of like Job too. Just sitting in the dirt, scraping off his skin with broken clay pots. Beaten down, tired of playing the game. Just wanting to find out WHY the Lord is allowing all of this to happen to us. Then I read this and it changes everything. 

Psalm 91:4b (NLT) " His FAITHFUL PROMISES are YOUR armor and protection." 

Hang it up. That's all I needed to hear. Because I KNOW my GOD is not a liar, and I won't be the first one He lies to! I have promise on top of promise. We will keep on praying, and seeking on how to bring home our little girl, who is somewhere out there. We don't know where or when we will meet her, but as of now we will celebrate our son who is waiting for us to come get him. We know that God's sovereign hand is upon our whole journey. Asa coming to us is nothing short of completely His plan, and we are thankful and so grateful. Please continue to pray for our family as we endure the hard parts of this journey called adoption.

The Orphan Company.

Let me start off by giving you a little bit of a background on this amazing God thing. A few months ago, one of my dearest friends came to me, telling me of this brilliant idea that her daughter Madeline had. God had laid upon her daughter's heart an idea to raise money for the orphan by selling handmade bracelets, and brownies, and donating the proceeds to to the cause of the orphan. What a great idea, right?! Let me mention to you that Madeline is 10 years old, AND she herself was an orphan. Her goal was to raise one hundred dollars, and donate it to her sweet cause. Because her mother Diane, is one of my closest friends, I knew that she would support her sweet daughter in anyway she could. For the next three months, they made these...

And began taking personal orders for custom colors, and thus began "The Orphan Company." Oh how my heart leapt for this sweet little girl's heart, filled with ZEAL for the orphan and the call of the Gospel! About two weeks into the birth of The Orphan Company, I was approached by Madeline at church, and she ever so boldly announced to me, "Ms.Erin! I have decided that the money I earn from the sales of my bracelets and brownies, I want to donate to your family to help bring home Asa & Ember."  I completely lost it. Because at that moment in time, I felt like saying "are you sure?!" "surely there is a more worthy family?" Until, God said, "DON'T YOU DARE, ERIN! You would be stealing away HER blessing, and YOU will miss YOUR chance to SEE ME move in the land of the living!" So I humbly accepted her sweet offer, and watched her skip away with her gallon sized, Ziploc bag, filled with handmade bracelets, a smile from ear to ear, and her sweet goal of raising 100 dollars for MY babies. 

Today, we met for lunch to celebrate Madeline's 10 year Gotcha Day, and on HER Gotcha Day, The CEO of The Orphan Company, presented (by way of tricky-ness) to The Harding Family, this....

Inside of the Chinese take-out box, was nearly $400!!! FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS!!! Did you hear me?! Okay, and get this...The Orphan Company donated the same amount to another family who is leaving in two weeks for China!!! What started out as asking God to raise 100 dollars for one family, turned into blessing TWO families with close to 400! That is GOD's economy! And, I got to witness exactly what the scripture says in Ephesians 3:20 {NLT} " Now ALL GLORY to God, WHO IS ABLE, through HIS mighty power at WORK within us, to ACCOMPLISH INFINITELY more than we might ASK or THINK." I was just awestruck. This was all birthed within the heart of a 10 year old orphan who has been REDEEMED through adoption. This is what it is all about folks. AND, our Lord, knew all of this from the beginning of time. He orchestrated our blessing, and HER blessing. We have been grafted into a family that only God's hands could create, and I get to SEE it! Psalm 27:13 {NLT} " Yet, I am confident I WILL SEE the LORD's GOODNESS while I am HERE in the land of the living." It NEVER comes back empty. His WORD always holds true. Always. I am learning and learning that if you CLING to the promises of The Lord, you WILL witness them. When I first read Psalm 68:6, and it says that GOD places the lonely in FAMILIES, I myself CLUNG to that promise for myself, even before He called us to adopt. And, let me testify to it. HE has placed US in a Family. A most special family. It is one filled with believers, who will be our family here on earth, and when we go home to be with our Lord and Savior. God places His children in ETERNAL families. He has woven our lives with people who are so dear to me, that I wish I could boast about choosing! But, if I could, HE would not get the Glory! I could have never chosen THIS PLACE, THIS CHURCH, THESE PEOPLE! Never. Ever! But, this girl's heart is overflowing with humility and thankfulness tonight for one sweet girl and her obedience to a call. Thank You Orphan Company. You and your family mean more to us than you will EVER know in this lifetime. You are the example of what it means in Matthew 6:20-21. Storing up for yourself treasure IN HEAVEN.

An Aching Mommy Heart...

A few days ago, I was so blessed to receive a few photos from another waiting adoptive Mommy. Her daughter is in the same orphanage as my sweet boy. Her daughter had a birthday, and she like so many other waiting Mommy's are allowed to send a birthday care package through our agency. This is a tremendous blessing I am sure to all involved. Todd and I have already begun thinking of what kind of care package we could send Asa! Well, the orphanage celebrated her birthday, and also was so kind to send back photos of this little girl's party to her waiting Mommy. As God would have planned it, we just so happen to belong to an online group for children being adopted out of Shijiazhuang City, China. She is also a member of this online group, so she proudly posts her baby's birthday photos! But, wait...what are those familiar pink flowered sandals I see?!?!? Could that be my baby boy at a birthday party?!?! YES! About 5 photos of him celebrating a sweet orphanage friend's birthday. Oh how my heart ached and leapt when I saw the pictures! I did not even know how to handle the flood of emotion. He was so healthy looking. So ornery looking!! My Asa. MY ASA!! My baby who feels a million miles away, at a birthday party. I am not even going to pretend I know what is going on inside of me, but it is just incredible. When people would tell me how they just missed their unknown child, or how they would cry at the drop of a hat, I just didn't get it. I can say now, I SO GET IT. I start to cry for no reason when I think about him. I get a deep, empty, pit feeling in my stomach. I just want to occupy my mind with anything but thoughts of him, because I miss him so much. I want to hold him in my arms, and smooch him, and smell him, and never put him down. As tears just flow down my face, I feel my heart breaking, for someone I have never met. It can only be The Lord. What work are you doing in me Lord? What have you started in this Mommy? I panic when I see the amount of money it will cost to bring you to me, but have peace that transcends all understanding, because you were given to me, by someone that holds ALL the power. The love I have for you was birthed in my heart by The One who lives there. I just knew I had to write this down for you Asa, how you haven't yet seen my face, but I love you so much. I understand now. I understand that "WE LOVE because HE FIRST LOVED US!" How this verse comes alive to me, and I hope to you someday. I pray that you are warm, and that you are safe, but I already KNOW you are LOVED. Oh, what plans The Lord has for you sweet boy! I am already in love with your sweet caramel colored skin, your deep brown eyes, and ebony hair. I am in love with your ornery personality, and melt your heart smile. When I see you, I see how our Faithful Lord, hand picked you for this family, and the exhausting journey it has been to just get to THIS very moment. But, I know that it will be all worth it. All of it. Every copper penny spent, every tear shed, and every moment I crumble until you are home. Tonight, I am clinging to Psalm 103:17 "But the LOYAL love of YAHWEH is from everlasting to everlasting ON THOSE WHO FEAR HIM, and HIS righteousness to their children's children." It is humbling me more and more each day, as I watch the pages of a love story being written. Bless the LORD, O' my Soul. 

First Homestudy Visit Complete & A Big FOUR O Surprise!

I have been trying to put into action my good intentions. For awhile now, I have sloughed off on the blogging because we have had a plethora of things we have had to deal with since we moved into our house. But, because I truly want to document this adoption process, AND because all of you that keep up with our family have asked me several times what is going on with our adoption. Todd and I had to make the tough decision to move agencies. Not that we disliked the agency we originally signed with, it was based on some very key things. The first being that they did not have a license to serve families in the state of Georgia. We were under the impression that they would be getting a license very soon, but it was taking a very long time. We honestly were getting tired of waiting. We have been trying to add to our family for over three years now, and we had prayed about adoption for a year. It was time. So Todd called and broke the news. Our social worker Emily had given us some information about another agency that DID have a license in Georgia, was very ethical, and was in the business of not just getting children adopted, but giving the Gospel. We filled out the paperwork, cut a check, and we were back in business! I wish I could convey to people how overwhelming this whole process is. The mounds of paperwork, the background checks, the running around, the correspondence. It is a lot. We had started much of our homestudy paperwork with our previous agency Small World. When we switched over to Lifeline (our new agency) we felt very defeated. We knew that we would have to start the process all over from the very beginning. I tell you what, I almost came close to throwing in the towel. Tapping out. Questioning our call to adoption. Exactly what the enemy wanted. So I pulled out my big girl panties, and we dove into the mountainous paperwork once again. If it wasn't for Todd's amazing paperwork organization, we might be 100 years old before we ever adopted if I was in charge of all that. Todd was able to sift through the paperwork, prioritize, and execute. We literally plowed through our first round. All of the credit for that round goes to my amazing husband. I am telling you, he amazes me. We were able to schedule our first homestudy visit this past Monday, and we will have four total visits. What I loved so much about our first visit was that Emily was able to breakdown a timeline for us. We know that there are a lot of unknowns ahead, but because China's adoption is very consistant compared to other countries, the agency sort of already knows what questions they will ask, and what they expect from prospective adopting parents. Todd and I love that part the most. When it comes to surprises, about things we invest time and lots of money in, we prefer that we just do what you ask, pay whatever you ask, and we are done. No surprises. Even though adoption comes with surprises (I will refer you back to said agency change) God comes back to us with His peace. He wants us to learn something in this process. He is REALLY working on me, folks. I mean R.E.A.L.L.Y. When I first started the process with our first agency, I was very unemotional, unmoved, just going through the motions type of thing. NOW, my heart is aching. My mind is racing. My eyes long to see a photo. My brain longs to know a face so I can give them a name. My arms ache to hold. We are moving closer friends. If we plow through paperwork, the rest of the homestudy visits, immigration, FBI fingerprints, we could be finished with our homestudy by the end of September. WE could possibly have our Dossier finished by Thanksgiving, and logged in by Christmas. Then after that, we wait for matching, and then after we are matched, we WAIT for China's approval. Which folks that is what takes a huge chunk of time. Once we are approved, then we FLY to get our children! So please pray. I am excited to share with you our journey. I want to really write this stuff down because, one day I want to show my babies what we were going through before they came to us. I am however very lackadaisical when it comes to writing things down! I will try to post a blog for every major milestone in the adoption, and also what God is teaching me!

I am including this next topic into the same post because, I was completely caught off guard, moved, uttered speechless, by some great people that I love! First off, let me explain to you, JUST HOW HARD it is to surprise me. Todd has been attempting this feat for 13 years. Mainly, for things like gifts. Not so much for events. Every year for my birthday, or Christmas, I just give Todd a list of things I would like to have, and he ALWAYS picks something from that list. So never really a surprise. If we are going somewhere, I usually have to know about it. Because I am the one who plans, and Todd is the one who executes the plans. I am not by any means saying I wish that it was different. I don't. I have grown to LOVE knowing things in advance, so I CAN plan for them. I am a planner. Well, my fortieth birthday is on July the 19th. I never have any type of hoopla for my birthday. Which never bothered me, because I am usually in different places for them all.  Todd usually takes me to a nice restaurant, we take the kids usually, and they give me a card and a gift, and we call it a night. This time I assumed that it was going to be the same. Todd called me from work like last Monday, and said to me he made reservations for Henry Campbell Steakhouse. Which here in Albany, is a very nice restaurant, and it is very expensive, so we only go for birthday's and anniversary's. So I was like "Sounds Great!" Fast forward to tonight. Todd made sure to tell me that I should dress up and be ready to go by 6:15. No problem. Got it down. We pack the car full of Todd, myself, the kids, and my Mom who is in town for a little visit. We head over to HC, which by the way is next door to a restaurant called Shogun. It's my favorite place to eat sushi. While we pull up into the parking lot, I see a good friend of mine walking into Shogun. I call her name, but she did not respond. I think "oh well, she didn't hear me, I will just text her." Todd is like "just poke your head in and say hello." I am like "it's okay!"" I can just text her." So Todd opens us the the door to Shogun, and I see another good friend of mine, Kendra. I was like HEY!!! I said "I just saw Cara walking in too!" "What are you doing here?" Kendra says she is on a date with her hubby, do I want to say hello to Zak? I was like sure I can do that!! Well, I get inside, and I see a huge table with about 17 of my closest friends, and in my heart I got all of a sudden sad. Because, I was like "WOW, all of my friends are eating out together tonight, and they didn't invite me!" Then, I said, (to myself) well "they must know I was going to HC for my birthday." Then the entire group yelled SURPRISE!!!! They were there for me! I lost it. Half shocked that someone pulled this off, and I.had.no.clue. and that I was so surrounded by such love, I was overwhelmed. Todd kissed me goodbye, grabbed the kiddos, and I sat down to an amazing night. I laughed so hard, and cried so much!! The cards, and gifts, and the web of deceit and secrecy!! It was so full awesome!! Ya'll!! I just have to speak about the cards! I received some of the most heartfelt cards from these beautiful women, that I wish I could take a snapshot of, and post them all here for you. Cards so full of love and writing that my heart could not take it. As tears stream down my face right now!!! I will cherish and keep them always. The gifts. Oh my gosh, I was just floored by how much love went into picking out each one. Things that I love the most, carefully handpicked. I was a mess. I still am a mess. When I went to bed last night, all I could muster to pray was "Thank You Lord. Thank You Father." Because I was so incredibly blown away, and so thankful at who the Lord has put into my life. He does redeem folks!! Last night was proof of how much. From a loner girl who grew up in utter dysfunction, chaos, and never knowing Christ, to turning 40 with the love of so many pouring out, and Christ at the center of it all! I will never, ever, forget that. Here are a few photos from the night!

But, As For Me And My House...

"If it is disagreeable in your sight to serve the LORD, then CHOOSE for yourselves today WHOM you will serve: whether the gods which your fathers served which were beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living; but as for ME and MY HOUSE, WE WILL SERVE The LORD." Joshua 24:15 (NASB)

home (n). The place where one lives permanently.
How we have been blessed! God has given us a HOME! This is my very first one that has my very own name attached to it!!  The one and only thing I have ever wanted since I was a little kid. It is a bit overwhelming at the moment. We moved in almost three weeks ago, and are still no where near being settled in, which if you know me,  is about to drive this girl INSANE in the BRAIN! {insert Cypress Hill dance break} You all KNOW you sang that after I typed that line. Don't lie. I don't feel that we have had a chance to sit back, take a breath, but we will soon enough I am sure. I am so thankful for being able to have gone through this process, and I feel that I will be going through it again..ummmm..never. I think know I have figured out my problem. In my own little world, I can control how things are done on a day to day basis, and what I figured out during this process is that other people do NOT have the high standard I strive to attain to. I don't say I am finished with something, and it not be truly finished. Finished to where I have double and triple checked the quality of my work. This probably has been the hardest part of the whole process for us, AND it just confirms to me that when my trust is put in the Lord Jesus, He NEVER fails. During my many freak out moments building this house, Todd had to constantly remind us that when we drove past this...

God told me "that's yours." So I just clung to that, and every single time I worried something was not right, or I had made this decision and had not heard the Lord correctly, He showed up. Confirming His hand each and every time. It was through a lot of prayer  that I needed Him to confirm to me that this little town was for sure going to be IT for us. We stepped out in Faith, huge! Huge. We had no idea if and when Todd would be gainfully employed, but Todd had a promise from the Lord, and I begrudgingly  willingly pushed forward full steam ahead! Now Look!! He has kept every single promise to us! He provided everything. Everything. TO INCLUDE gainful employment!! Oh how our faith was strengthened yet again, and how completely unwilling I am to not be in His will. Being not in God's will freaks me out more than you know. I may have mini panic attacks during the sanctification process, but I KNOW He is faithful.  Out of the will of God spells complete DISASTER. Nope. Not willing to assemble that 6 million piece puzzle.

It seems like so long ago that we drove past our little shell of a house, and I am ready to see God move again. Our next adventure is bringing home our sweet babies. More mini panic attacks for sure! Our prayer many times is that we hope people will invest in us, and allow us to invest in people. Todd and I enjoy that so much. I mean how fun is life if you just hoard, and never share? It's not fun it's horrible. A lesson I am diligently trying to make our children see! It's still not coming to fruition, but I hope one day it will! So friends, come. Come enjoy fellowship, laughter, food, and family. We are just a small family of four, and we seek to add to it! However the Lord adds, we are all in! And if I am honest, I pray that people will start to see us more as family. "God places the lonely in families." Psalm 68:6 says. We know that even though our blood family is not part of our lives, God can give us a family. Here. Right here, in THIS place. The Holy Spirit and you friends are Welcome Here! And if The Holy Spirit doesn't entice you. Hey! We got a pool!!

Five Years Old...

On Easter Sunday I will turn 5 years old. That day marks the day that 2 Corinthians 5:17 became a reality in my life. "This means anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" (NLT Translation) Oh! And what a change He has done in this life! A change that I with all my might can barely put into English words. A transformation. A cause for me wanting to literally CELEBRATE at random times throughout each day. A hunger deep in my stomach to find out ALL I can about this person I call so many beautiful names. I AM. Yahweh. Jehovah. Lion of Judah. Beloved Son of God. Creator. Wonderful Counselor. Jesus Christ. Oh if you know Him, how those names make your heart beat so fast. It is that name that makes me cry, leap, stand, praise! But why? How? Because He called me. And I said, "yes." That is it.

I remember so vividly that call. Completely unwilling to believe the "hokiness" of Jesus Christ. The most crazy story anyone had ever thought up. The scoffing I was so able to do at the idea of a Supernatural Creator, who also just happened to LOVE me. What a joke. And, to just put the icing on the cake, ANYONE who believed in that junk, OBVIOUSLY was not smart enough to be a free thinker, and was just following a crowd. That was until, my heart was pierced. Until, he SO lovingly, whispered to me "If you stand up, it will ALL go away." My Lord was referring to what was happening to me physically while I was hearing the Gospel being preached, on Easter Sunday. And, may I say so lovingly, this was no hyped up sermon, no bells, no whistles. It was a man, with an open bible, speaking the Gospel. That is it. A Gospel, I DID NOT EVEN UNDERSTAND. It was like a foreign language being spoken, and I was counting the minutes down until I could say I checked the box and went to church on Easter Sunday! I was ready to get this show on the road! But, oh how my plans are not my own. How I began to sweat profusely at the name of Jesus. How I began to feel nauseous, at the name of Jesus. How the Pastor began to answer my questions inside of my head, at the name of Jesus. How I, and my hands began to shake nervously, at the name of Jesus. And, then He spoke. Directly into my spirit. "If you stand up, it will ALL go away." And, well you know....I was so obedient. NOT. I decided to argue with this voice for a minute. Ummm, are you crazy!! I am NOT standing up! I am perfectly fine sitting here sweating, shaking, and about to throw up! But, I of course was not, okay. I then saw my sin. I saw who I was. What I was. And the symptoms became worse. I started to weep, and in that instant, I KNEW the Truth. I stood up, scooted by about 4 sets of knees, and found myself walking to the front of a church I had never been to, and said "I surrender." Thats it. I became SOLD OUT to something that was literally a joke to me an hour before I sat down in that chair. Do you think I am nuts? Do you think I am crazy? Because I can tell you that I am certainly not. I haven't done anything on my own. I actually giggle sometimes because I could have NEVER done any of that on my own, not one time, ever in this lifetime. And you know what else? I finally understood. I finally had clarity. I finally had PEACE. The scripture describes how when Paul was confronted on the road to Damascus, Jesus made him blind, and then three days later, the book of Acts describes Paul's regaining of his sight as he was filled with the Holy Spirit, and something like scales fell from Paul's eyes. (Acts 9:17-18 NLT) It was exactly that way for me. I felt as if I was confused (blind) and then after I said "yes", the scales fell from my eyes, and I could understand (see). How many times have you heard, "I was blind, but now I see?" Words that really are full of truth!

Five years gone, and it has been one amazing journey after another. The Lord has worked and worked in THIS GIRL'S life. Over and OVER! I have learned so much about my Yahweh. My I Am. How He loves me. How He has loved me. How He loves my family. How He loves, just loves. Has it been a garden of rose petals, and rainbows, walking with Him? No. It has been hard. But, each time I see how hard it is, my burden is lifted slightly, and I search for Him. I look for Him. I talk His promises back to Him. I sing to Him. I worship Him. I talk to Him. I cry to Him. Because only HE fills up that void in me. It's the darndest thing!! And, because HE.IS.WORTHY!

If you don't know Him, can I just be bold enough to say, "you are missing out." I can't tell you what you are missing out on, because I do not know the plan He has for you. But, if it is anything like His Word says it is, it's pretty darn big! And, it is pretty darn meaningful! And, I know how it feels to be in His plan, and I would not trade being in His plan for not.one.earthly.thing. Everyone has a price? Nope. When you can say, there is nothing, not one price you would trade for Him. That is saving faith. The PEARL the man had and buried in a field, and then sold all he had to buy the field to uncover the pearl once again!! (Matthew 13:44 NLT)

Easter Sunday is truly a day where my heart could literally explode! Won't you just go? Won't you just kill your pride for 1 measly hour, for the possibility for eternity? Hear, hear what He did for YOU!